“Hide your nasty while you’re at a buffet!” Hubby
While grilling in my backyard, I heard my dog chewing on something loudly. Upon further inspection, are you ready for this–it was some kind of JAWBONE, yes I said JAWBONE–with yellow-gnarled up teeth still in tact. OMG I was terrified it was human & we would need CSI, so I snatched it out of my dog’s mouth with my garden gloves, as not to fumble any fingerprints from the possible murderer (unfortunately true thoughts), till my hubby came out back & put the nasty jawbone up to his mouth (without my gloves, gross) & said ”Does this look like human teeth?” Soooo disgusting?” (deer jawbone) Is this WEIRD?
Walking at the Boardwalk this evening my hubby & I shared a very intellectual, stimulating-conversation, it went something like this: ”You know they should have Dancing with the Hobo’s instead of Dancing with the Stars!” I said, —True–Stars have money, hobo’s don’t, that way hobo’s could earn some extra cash & pick up a new hobby/trade. The End…. Really -The end, that’s all……Hey and to think, that was just one, of many conversations in our 17 years together…
Today, I told my hubby about my new favorite late night T.V. channel, QVC. I went on & on about this Bernini 3 tier patio fountain that I ordered at 2:15 in the morning. As I’m bragging about it being cordless & that it included 6 different water spouts, two different toppers: a pineapple or a planter….He said Wait, wait just a second 2:15 A.M.?–”Nothings worse than an insomniac finding QVC, this is my worst nightmare!“
My hubby said ” I thought I found a dead body today!” I shockingly said WHERE? (like it would matter) Sounding oddly disappointed he stated, ”but it was just a pile of clothes in a pasture!”
My hubby’s GPS asked if he would take unpaved roads for a shorter distance to his job location, he selected YES. While driving down an unpaved road in the middle of nowhere he came upon a road sign that said “Road may be hazardous when creek is up” so he worried a little wooden bridge might be ahead. His worry, soon turned to shock, when he realized there was NO bridge involved at all, just a road that literally ran through the creek! Hazardous is RIGHT, I LMAO when he told me this…….
“A family that squatches together, stays together!” My hubby Ryan
Yay, I’m so excited! Today while driving my daughter to play practice, I noticed a new store going in a few miles from my home. A bright blue sign said “LOKEA“ HMM, I turned around to get a better look & realized it was a “local IKEA” delivery store……I didn’t know they existed, I’m thrilled. Every time I visit my sister in Dallas, I always visit IKEA they have everything from can openers to furniture, so imagine my surprise. My town’s– playing in the big leagues, now all we need is a Sprinkles Cupcakes & we’re golden!!!!!
When I arrived home, I couldn’t wait to share the news with my hubby. “Honey, I have a great surprise, their opening a LOKEA down the street, he said “What-a-KEA” I gleefully explained IKEA pick up store! He said “OH CRAP, I’m not excited at all!” images of cha ching, cha ching–were dancing in his head! It’s funny the difference between MEN & WOMEN!!!! I’m so glad I’m a girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Disclaimer::::First of all I pride myself on organization almost to a fault, but nothing could have prepared me for this day. Disclaimer::::
Can you believe that my almost worst day ever started at my happy place, Walt Disney World! I woke up early on my departure day– #1) I called the Magical Express baggage department to prepay my one checked luggage and right as I’m giving them my credit card info, the cell phone goes dead from poor reception, happened all weekend, don’t know why I didn’t walk out on the balcony beforehand, so I called back from the balcony in my Pjs..embarassing. Time to go & I was pretty well packed & physically ready to go, all I had to do was place my sleep clothes in the luggage & zip it up! #2) Well that simple task soon became the Achilles heel, debacle, descent, destruction, to my day. I jumped, hit, walked, pushed, screamed & prayed that my luggage would zip–but defeat & the realization that I only had ten minutes till my Magical Express picked me & my atrophy up & I had no one to blame but myself, so sad & becoming kinda pissed! #3) I phoned the lobby for advice on another Magical Express pick up and sure enough they said I was SOL (shit out of luck–my words)& would have to get a cab (50-60 to airport + tolls & tip) Ok at least I had a little more time to re-adjust my suitcase, I finally jammed all souvenirs in– not caring if I broke anything, just happy all zipped up. #4) When making a final inspection of my room, I found my robe & proceeded to stuff it into my carry-on bag, yeah it fit, or so I thought, till I ripped about an inch of my bag along the zipper, it was a new bag! Really I thought– Is God testing me, I’m a good person, I’m speaking this aloud as I’m walking to lobby, looking extra nutty!!!!!!!
I’m finally in the lobby with a few minutes to spare, sweating like a pig from dragging my now broke down luggage across acres of the resort & on the brink of a nervous break down at any second, it was touch & go for a while. #5) I realize I have seven dollars cash on me & I need cash for my awesome new mode of transportation (cab) I asked a helpful young lady in the lobby the nearest ATM machine, she pointed out its location & I swear she said “It’s been down all morning” What did I do God, really??? I walk out to the porte- cochere & see a Magical Express pull up, I totter over to the valet attending the bus & ask if I can hop on, I gave him my original ME pass & “LUIS” approved & said he’d let yellow cab know, my godsend–rewards for my good deeds…things were looking up , I thought!
The ME I was on was actually a later bus for later flights, I now have an hour & half to get to MCO, check my bag , go through security & reach my terminal! We finally arrive one hour before my flight departs– #6) I jump off the ME & the sweet, Disney ME driver stands by the door while every single soul gets off the bus stating the obvious–watch your step, watch your step, watch your step–now here’s what I’m honestly thinking, these fools have been at WDW all week & were able to ride upside down & sideways roller coasters that were in the dark, walk miles in the parks & function, absolutely independently without someone telling them to watch their step–please just get my bags—#7) Now I’m sure you’ve guessed what happened next, my bags were literally the last two bags he grabbed, he had to get a pole & drag them out. #8) I tottered some more till I reached the third floor with my worn down artifacts & arrived miles away from where I was dropped off to Delta Airlines –I showed my preprinted boarding passes & described to Larry the Delta employee that I prepaid through WDW baggage ME & he exclaimed “That’s a service they provide when you check your bag with the ME!” & since I missed my original ME I was again SOL, #10) So I was charged for my bag a second time in one day & can you believe it got worse, because after he handed back my credit card, # 11) he has the nerve to tell me its overweight & that it will be another $90.00, I practically throw my CC at him in disbelief & the tears start a flowing & I mean ugly crying—- at this point I looked frail & I’m not a” little thang” & the lack of breakfast with the lack of compassion, for my horribly wrong, should have stayed in bed kinda day, was taking its toll.
I finally got rid of one bag, but still have my newly ripped carry-on, a Lego’s bag with some Star War’s plane for my son, my new WDW Dooney & Bourke purse with my laptop stuffed in it & I’m headed to security, tears have subsided for now & I prepared for lockdown #12) I have my watch off, my computer out of its case, my purse open, liquids in ziplock totally 2 quarts, Lego bag in separate container, carry-on on belt, I was ready—-they gave me the all clear to walk under the metal detector & I breezed thru, till he said “Go back thru, I said why, it didn’t beep, he said you forgot to take off your shoes, I bust out with tears, like windshield wiper fluid, I thought of everything but the most common thing, my freaking shoes, REALLY, I had hit the SKIDS????At this point everybody thought I was imbalanced & I seriously questioned it.
I finally made it to my plane with literally no time to spare, they’d already boarded my zone, but I made my flight— I looked around at everyone & smiled because I was shell-shocked & didn’t know what else to do while I waited for slow plane people to finally take their seat & then I was seated (angels singing) & took one giant deep breath. #13) With all this rush, rush, rush, I hadn’t beautified–after I reclaimed my composure, I grabbed my mirror and in horror & dismay I gasped aloud at myself in the mirror, I had walked around the whole airport, security & plane people –even saying good afternoon to the pilot with mascara all down my left eye, OMG, no wonder people gazed at me more than usual, not because I looked cute, because I seemed deranged– you know insane in the membrane………………………………………………………….This day sucked, dare I say, could it get worse–the answer is hell to the yeah!
I’ve now napped & the plane has arrived at my connection: Hot-Lanta & in one hot mess I might add. #14) The sweet gentleman standing behind me swiftly grabs my carry-on out of the overhead compartment —so swiftly that you hear ZXXZXZXZXXZXZXZX (that means it ripped– a lot) & my once new, severely ripped carry-on was now defunct, worst of all– my dirty laundry bag was exposed for everyone at the largest passenger airport in the U.S. to see.. #15) I stop at a Delta help station for what else–HELP & ask for tape to try to cover up my belongings & can you believe they had no tape –at all. #16) I continue to a shuttle that suppose to take me to my final terminal of the day–thank God & as I’m trying to find something, anything to hold onto, it abruptly started –I actually fell against– not just one person, but two people, one on each side…
I erratically made it to my last terminal of the day, no seats were available in waiting area–big surprise, so I just made myself comfortable on the floor. #17) I called my family to share with them my unbelievable trail of events that plagued the horrendous day & I received an incoming call from a Boat dealer we recently bought a boat from, telling me our boat needed a new engine & it would take another two weeks before we could pick it up, but at their $ expense! #18) O.K., I promise 20 minutes till boarding the plane to finally go home, the Delta employee announced the flight is over booked by one person & they need someone to volunteer or they would select……THANKFULLY someone volunteered. Honestly I almost did myself because after the day I had, I really needed downtime it was also raining heavily & my daughter actually told me not to get on the plane, she had a bad feeling–so even though I made the flight home in bad weather, I anticipated it going down in a ball of flames, because that’s just the kind of day it was!
I jumped off the plane with vigor, I grabbed my raggedy, was new but now defunct ripped carry-on , Lego’s bag with Star Wars plane for my son, WDW Dooney & Bourke purse with laptop in it & ran to the luggage carousel for my ONE very expensive, overweight, made me ugly cry with mascara on my left eye checked 3 times bag & got in my car. Pulled thru the Parking gate & paid 35.00 dollars to the parking attendant, in which he so gently asked “Thank you & how was your day?” Dorothy’s statement in “The Wizard of OZ” never rang more true , I exclaimed to the parking attendant “There’s NO place like home, There’s NO place like home!
P.S. When I arrived home, I literally put old cat litter in the now raggedy, was new but now really defunct, cat litter carry-on & enjoyed tossing it in the trash can! Then a sense of calm fell upon me…………………HAHEHEHAHAHHE
- Where to Find a Disney Dooney and Bourke (meetthemagic.com)
- Come on and take a FREE ride – Disney’s Magical Express (magiconcrescentlake.com)